Can Cynics Be Moē?
by Redler Red7
Summary: Weird question, right? But that is exactly the question Hachiman Hikigaya found himself asking when one Konata Izumi suddenly, for some reason, decided to talk to him one day. Could they be moē? Konata certainly thought so. Hachiman, not so much. Episodic crossover AU wherein the two are classmates and have weird conversations. Enjoy if you can


**Yeah, this story sorta blindsided me too. Never expected to ever want to write it. Enjoy if you can.**

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After a most painfully, _aggressively_ , **_insultingly_** boring history lesson, Hachiman Hikigaya glared across the room, shooting each of his classmates with his scalding gaze. None of them looked to be in a better mood than he. They were all tired and irritable, wanting to be home as soon as humanly possible.

Well, _most of them_ , anyway.

By the time Hachiman was putting away his things, only a few classmates were left. That was when he heard footsteps very specifically walking towards his seat. To his displeasure, one of his classmates was approaching. Hachiman barely spared her a glance.

"What do you want, Izumi?" Hachiman growled continuing to stuff his half-written notes into his bag.

Konata Izumi was a petite girl with long flowing hair that reached her knees. No doubt the girl wasted hours of her life maintaining hair of such ridiculous length for naught but her own vanity. Who did she think she was impressing? Though considering her size, she might have just been compensating — using beautiful hair to distract from the fact that she was jailbait in the most absurdly accurate sense of the term.

Konata eyed him with a look of curiosity, leaning forward with her arms folded across her chest and one a hand cupping her chin. "Hmmm."

Annoyance flared in Hachiman's eyes at her refusal to answer. He stopped packing and turned on his seat to face her. "Are you _retarded_ or something? Why do I need to ask this question more than once? _What. Do. You. **Want**_ , Izumi?"

"You know my name."

Konata's lips curled into a smile. No doubt it looked cute and innocent to any bystander but Hachiman felt an ominous chill run up his spine upon seeing it. It was the kind of smile that suggested malicious intent of the most vile and unpleasant kind.

"And here I thought you were anti-social recluse type." She put both hands on her waist and dropped her hips in a dramatic pose. She pointed to him, grinning. "You were a dandere all along!"

To Hachiman's horror, he realized why he felt a chill. Konata tended to stick to her own friend group so his interactions with her were limited. Because of that, he had, until that moment, forgotten one crucial piece of information regarding the girl before him.

Konata Izumi was a loud, insufferable, smart-aleck otaku.

"I don't have time for this," Hachiman grumbled, locking the buckle on his bag and standing. "Get out of the way."

"Okay, maybe more kuudere than dandere," Konata muttered, completely ignoring his obvious annoyance. "Way too cold to be dandere. That softer side of yours is really buried deep, huh?"

Hachiman grit his teeth as he looked down at the girl standing to the side of his desk in just the right way so as to prevent him from leaving without pushing his chair back an inconveniently far distance. Had she been a single step to the left or right, he would have been able to escape the unpleasantness that no doubt awaited him.

For a moment he debated on whether or not to force his way though. Konata was a veritable midget, not even reaching his chest in height. A light shove from him with even the most insignificant amount power behind it could have sent her toppling to the floor. It would have been so easy.

He was in a merciful mood that day, though.

"Jailbait. Move or I'll make you."

Hachiman's confidence wavered when his threat had no effect. Konata, like a doll with a painted-on face, just kept smiling. "I'd like to see you try."

Hachiman stared with indignant fury at Konata's response. The midget truly believed she could stand up against someone who was two heads taller and probably five times her body weight? How high was horse she was riding? What could have possibly deluded her into thinking that? Perhaps she just had no sense of self-preservation? Or perhaps he had been right in saying she was just retarded? Because no other explanation came to mind to excuse such profound stupidity.

She wanted to see him try? Fine. He'd try.

"Move."

"No."

" _Move._ "

" _No~_ "

"I swear on my life, Konata Izumi, if you don't move right this instant, I-"

"You'll what?" Konata asked, taking a step towards him. "Push me down and have your way with me? It's a bit tame but I suppose it become cliche for a reason. Always been more into the railed-against-the-wall kinda stuff but to each their own."

Hachiman could only glower in response to such an insinuation, silently cursing to himself that he had stepped back when Konata suddenly drew closer.

"Aww, you're blushing! That's so cute!"

Hachiman closed his eyes to calm himself down. Obviously Konata was not going to budge. The midget had chosen him as her victim and there was no getting around it. He could only hope that what she had planned was not _too_ unpleasant.

He sighed and sat once more. "I tried," he muttered. He then grimaced.

Oh, who was he kidding? He didn't try — not really. He just really — **_really_ **— didn't want to hit a little girl. The blow on his conscience would be too much. It was one thing to push around a girl his age flaunting their assets to get what they want. It was a completely other thing to push around a girl who _looked_ like a child despite being his age flaunting their _lack_ of assets to get what they want. The former was completely justified in that it was simply punishing pompousness with an appropriate amount of comeuppance. The latter just looked like bullying.

Well, they _both_ looked like bullying. The latter was just more overtly so.

"You know," Konata muttered, shifting her weight as she once again took the pose she had began the conversation with — leaning forward, arms folded on her chest, hand cupping her chin. "I was really surprised you knew my name. I coulda sworn you wouldn't since we've only ever talked like twice."

Hachiman raised an eyebrow. "We have attendance every day."

"Yeah, we do, but that doesn't mean it's not hard to forget. Weird thing, though." She once again shifted her weight, leaning back. "You know how in anime, you only hear the names of the characters so many times, and it's only for half an hour every week, but somehow their names stick in your mind better? Why isn't that the case in real life?"

Hachiman glared daggers at Konata for asking him the most inane and mind numbing question he had ever been asked in his entire life. Not even the excruciatingly humorless and boring history lesson he had to sit through not an hour earlier was as mind numbing as what Konata had asked. That history lesson had been unbelievably boring. For something to be _even more boring_ should not have been physically possible.

"Maybe because the average human living their miserable lives isn't nearly as interesting as an anime protagonist saving the day?"

Konata smiled and raised a finger. "You remembered _me_ , though? Does that mean I'm anime protagonist material?"

Hachiman managed dark smirk. "What can I say? Your size makes a lasting impression. No doubt you'll have the filthy lolicons foaming at the mouth."

Perhaps he should not have been as deeply satisfied by the cute pout now adorning her face. But he _was_ deeply satisfied. And rightly so. After abusing him with such an insultingly boring question, it was only fair that he insulted her as well. It was equivalent exchange.

"I'm not sure if that was a compliment but I guess I'll take it as one." Konata shrugged. "In any case, makes sense now why I can't remember _your_ name. You _definitely_ fit the description of an average human living his miserable life."

His tremor of anger was clearly noticeable as it reverberated through his body. This girl had the gall — _the sheer audacity_ — to insult him back? Forget equivalent exchange. Obviously this girl wanted to fight. She was doing everything in her power to make him angry.

" _What do you **want**_ , Izumi," Hachiman asked again, growling his words through grit teeth.

"I want to know your name."

The utterly stupefying answer to his initial question was finally given to him and not a word could he remark on it. He was speechless.

"Why?"

Konata's odd smile returned, once again sending a chill up Hachiman's spine. " _Because,_ my dear," she said, poking him in the chest. "You are, without a shadow of a doubt, _moē_."

Hachiman blinked as he tried to parse Konata's words. moē was vaguely defined otaku slang denoting some sort of appeal. In what universe could a sleazy, conniving, holier-than-thou, paragon of self-entitlement like himself be, in any way, moē? What was _wrong_ with this girl to think like this? Forget retarded. She was just flat out crazy.

Hachiman pursed his lips, trying to recover from his absolute bafflement. He stood once more. "Look, Izumi. I really want to go home. Please **_please_ **move."

"Ah ah ah. You can't turn tail and run just yet, big boy. Tell me your name first."

He released a heavy sigh. "Fine. You want my name? _Fine_. Hachiman Hikigaya. There you go. Now you can forget it again."

Konata chuckled and began walking away. "Your reactions are super cute, you know? I'll see you around, Hachiman."

The walked to her table, picked up her bag, and exited the classroom, leaving Hachiman to simply stand at his desk in stunned silence. Immediately upon hearing his name, Konata had decided they were now on first name terms. Not only did she ignore cultural norms, she also just assumed they were friends now. What the actual fuck was Konata's damage?

Hachiman palmed his face. "Today's not gonna be the end of it," he muttered. "This hell's only gotten started..."

With a shudder, he exited the classroom as well and started on his way home.

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 **Thank Valkyrie from the Lucky Star discord for this. They asked me about what interaction between Hachiman and Konata would be like and I gave him a thorough answer. It was so thorough that I could write a one shot about it. Which I did.**

 **Let's be honest, I might not ever update this. If I do, though, I suspect that it'll be more similar to a collection of oneshots than than a serialized story.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this story. Perhaps I'll write more of it some time in the future.**


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